


We Share the Same Scars

by whispered_story



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Break Up, Future Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Reconciliation, brief Jared/OFC, brief Jensen/OMC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 18:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4756037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the end of Supernatural and a failed attempt at a relationship with Jensen, Jared's having a hard time adjusting to the changes in his life and figuring out what he wants. It always seems to come down to him wanting what he used to have -- Jensen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Share the Same Scars

Jensen is the first guy Jared has ever been in a relationship with. He thinks he'll probably be the only one, too. 

He's occasionally found a guy attractive, experimented a bit – mostly when he was drunk. He's only ever been in relationships with girls though, Sandy being the most prominent one. But then Jensen happened. Jensen, his best friend, the person he trusts most in the world and would do anything for. Falling in love with Jensen, he thinks, was inevitable. Things between them have just always been right, easy in a way no other friendship or relationship has ever been and he wasn't surprised when, one day, he realized that he wanted more, wanted Jensen.

It worked well for a while. They knew each other better than anyone else, lived together, worked together and it really wasn't much of a transition. When they got home from work, Jensen followed Jared into his bedroom instead of his own, there were lazy morning kisses and making out on the couch during movies and as many small touches and secret smiles during the day as they thought they could get away with. Being a couple came as effortlessly as being friends had.

Jared's still not sure when things started going wrong. Work was gruesome, the comfortable atmosphere on set getting more and more tense the closer they got to wrapping up the season, the show. Sometimes, he wonders if things would’ve been fine between them if the end of Supernatural hadn't been looming over their heads, the uncertainty of what they would do afterwards. There were little fights at first, then bigger ones, and then Jensen started sleeping in his own room when things got to be too much. 

It was a fight over a scene of all things, leaving them avoiding each other for a week, not saying more than a few forced out words to each other when necessary, that triggered the break up. 

Jared thinks he'll always remember the look of defeat on Jensen's face when they admitted that things weren't working out anymore, that they were making each other more miserable than happy. Jensen cupped his face, kissed him softly, and gave him a weak smile.

"We're heading for disaster here, Jay, and I can handle losing this, but I couldn't handle losing my best friend," he whispered, and wiped his thumb under Jared's eye. "It's better to end this now when we can still salvage our friendship."

As far as break-ups go, it was probably as amicable as it could get.

Things were awkward for a week, Jensen moving his things back into his room and offering to stay at a hotel for the last two months of shooting at least once a day. Eight days after the break-up, they got drunk together, sitting on the couch and watching _The Shining_ for the millionth time and things were better the next morning. Not back to normal, not back to how it was before, but Jensen stopped wanting to move out and Jared stopped feeling like he was crossing some line when he bumped into Jensen or brushed their hands together.

So things are a litte better, but the breakup left a hole inside him regardless, a part of his life suddenly missing and Jared can't imagine ever getting it back, feeling whole again. 

 

*

 

"Call me when you land in L.A.," Jared says, standing in the hallway and watching Jensen pocket his keys and wallet.

Sadie and Harley keep walking back and forth between them, less exuberant than usual. Jensen giving them more milk-bones and hugs than they got in the previous year combined and movers lugging out Jensen's furniture and the boxes he's been packing for a week left them uneasy, knowing something is wrong. Jared feels as forlorn as they look.

"I already promised I would." Jensen smiles at him, soft and a little sad, stepping past the single suitcase he'll take with him on the plane. He stops in front of Jared, looking unsure for a split moment before wrapping his arms around Jared's neck, hugging him.

"Promise again," Jared says in a voice that's meant to be teasing, but comes out small. He buries his face in Jensen's neck for a short moment, breathing in the clean scent and feels his eyes burn with tears.

They stay close when they part, Jensen's hands holding on to Jared's arms and Jared leans down, resting his forehead against Jensen's. "I'll miss having to see your face every day," he admits.

Jensen laughs softly, his grip on Jared tightening for a second before he steps back. Jared looks at him, Jensen's eyes wet with tears and his shoulders tense. Five years of seeing each other more than any other person, of growing closer with each passing day and Jared wishes he could pull Jensen close again and just hold on.

Outside, a car honks and Jensen straightens, sighing. "Guess that's my car, then," he mumbles and gives a weak smile.

Jared nods and crosses his arms over his chest. "So. Bye, huh?"

Jensen steps closer again, the movement too sudden for Jared to react, and presses his lips to the corner of Jared's mouth. "I'll call. Promise, Jay," he says, then turns around, grabbing his suitcase.

Jared stays rooted to the spot, watches Jensen look back at him and smile before the door falls shut behind him. He listens to the car door slamming shut, the hum of the motor as it drives off.

Harley whines next to him, nudging a cold nose against Jared's hand. Jared heaves a sigh and turns away from the door. He scratches Harley behind the ear once.

On the way into the living room, he passes the door to Jensen's room. It's standing open and Jared halts, lingering in the doorway before stepping inside hesitantly. The room is bare, indentations in the carpets where Jensen's furniture used to be.

He walks to one of the windows, bracing himself on the sill and takes in the familiar view. It smells like clean air and Jensen, and Jared's breathing is too loud in the empty room. It all feels wrong.

"Guess it's just us again," he says and glances back at Sadie and Harley, standing in the middle of the room and looking at him expectantly. Time for a fresh start, he thinks and runs a hand through his hair. "Let's go."

He takes a step forward when he spots something out of the corner of his eye. Right next to his left foot lies a key chain, and Jared knows what it is before he picks it up. A small, red. plastic guitar. Jared can't remember where Jensen got it from, probably a gag gift or he found it somewhere. He kept it as a key chain for a few months, more because he thought it was funny than actually liking it, before getting something else. Jared hasn't seen it in months, and he lets it slide through his finger, taking in the familiar shape.

When he leaves the room he pushes it into his pocket, closing the door behind him.

 

*

 

Jared stays in Vancouver for almost another month and a half. His mother keeps asking when he'll come home, his agent wants him to come back to California for auditions and friends invite him to parties in L.A. He's not sure what keeps him in Vancouver.

He takes the dogs on long walks, spends afternoons playing with them in parks or goes hiking with them occasionally, and works in the yard a little. When he stays inside the house, he moves around restlessly, not finding anything to occupy him. It doesn't feel like home anymore. With everyone gone and no work to get up for in the morning, Vancouver is suddenly just another city.

On the twenty-eighth day, he calls a realtor and discusses selling his house. A week later he drives to the nearest home depot, gets a bunch of moving boxes and starts packing.

There's nothing left in Vancouver for him.

 

*

 

"You can stay at my place," Jensen offers.

Jared's sitting on the floor of his living room, half packed boxes surrounding him. He packs away another book, holding his phone between his shoulder and ear. There's a small pile of things next to his left thigh, things that Jensen forgot that were mingled with Jared's own. A few DVDs and books, a CD, a single sock he found under the couch. "I don't know," he replies.

"Why not? There's enough space. You can bring the dogs, too, if you want."

 _It's too early,_ Jared thinks. Too early to be around Jensen again on a daily basis, too early to live with him and know it's going to be a temporary thing. "Jensen," he only says instead.

Jensen sighs, the sound loud and clear even over the phone and Jared can almost see the pinched expression on his face. "You let me move in when I needed a place two years ago, I'm just returning the favor. And it's just until you find a place of your own here."

Jared bites his lips when he hears the words. When he sold his place in L.A. and bought the house in Vancouver he knew deep down he would go back to Los Angeles one day, when Supernatural was over, but he never really imagined it. He's not sure if he wants that any longer.

"I don't want to intrude."

Jensen scoffs. "Fuck you, man, you'd never intrude. I'm going away for a few weeks anyway. I got a small role in a movie and shooting begins next week in Chicago. The house is gonna be empty anyway and if you still haven't found anything when I get back, we'll work things out. It's not like living in the same house for a while won't work out, we did that for two years."

Jared sighs softly, running a finger over the spine of one of Jensen's book. "I know."

"Jared," Jensen says, his voice suddenly softer. "Nobody is forcing you to come to L.A. if you don't want to."

"My agent is," Jared replies with a laugh. It sounds bitter to his own ears. "He's got a few auditions lined up for me."

"Fuck him. Where do _you_ want to be?"

"I don't know. I…I really don't. Feels like I don't have a home anymore."

Jensen sighs. "Sometimes I feel the same way," he admits. "Come here, or go to Texas. Maybe once you're somewhere else, you'll feel better."

Jared lies down on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. "It's weird, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Jensen agrees. "Yeah, it is. It's different knowing I won't be back in Vancouver come July, won't see everyone again at the end of the summer."

"Supernatural ruined us," Jared says with a laugh and presses the phone closer to his ear.

"Nah, it was me that ruined you. You're helpless without me, man."

Jared grins, runs a hand over his face and hums under his breath. "I'mma bring Harley and Sadie to San Antonio first, don't want them to move around all the fucking time until I find something. Your alarm code still the same?"

"Yeah," Jensen says, sounding pleased. "I'll make sure there's some food in the fridge for you."

"You better, bitch," Jared replies. He closes his eyes, and asks Jensen to tell him about the movie he'll be in, listening to the low rumble of Jensen's voice washing over him in soothing waves.

 

*

 

Jensen is gone by the time Jared arrives in L.A. Jared has never seen Jensen's house so cluttered and while it basically feels the same, there's something so different about it now. It's not messy, but with Jensen's things from Vancouver suddenly in the house as well it looks more lived in than it ever has before.

Jared puts his luggage in the guest room, and finds a note on his pillow. He grins when he reads it, Jensen's handwriting neat and familiar.

_Food's in the fridge – enough to feed a small town for a week, so you're good for a couple of days. You even got fresh linens on your bed, bitch, don't say I never do anything for you! Make yourself useful in return and water my plants. Good luck with your auditions and house hunting!_

Jared grins and puts the note into his wallet. 

Jensen has exactly one plant. A gum tree he got from his mother when he moved in with Jared, and Jensen always forgot to water it. It's the smallest gum tree ever, and looks pathetic, but Jared beams when he sees it. He's a little surprised it's still alive at all.

Jared used to call it Dean, claiming the similarities were undeniable and Jensen punched Jared in the arm every time he said it, before starting a discussion on just how awesome Dean was. 

He says the name under his breath now. It's only half as much fun doing it without Jensen there to bitch him out, but it puts a smile on his face anyway.

He waters the gum tree and then goes into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. He eats it leaning against the counter, holding his hand under the sandwich to avoid getting crumbs everywhere. Jensen's neat and even though Jared knows the place will be a mess in a few days he thinks he should at least try.

The house is absolutely quiet in a way Jared has never been used to, without his dogs and Jensen around. He sighs to himself as he chews on the last bite of his sandwich and gets the milk from the fridge. Looking for a glass, he finds Jensen's favorite mug in the cabinet, the one Jensen drank his coffee from every single morning. Jared knows it's Jensen's favorite simply because it's the biggest one he has, and there's a little chip from the one time Jared accidentally knocked it over.

"Fuck," he whispers and bites down on his lower lip, ignoring the way his stomach clenches uncomfortably.

He takes a glass and the milk to the table and sits down. His hand slides into his pocket, wrapping around the keys he has there. He pulls it out and clenches it in his hand. The keys dig into his palm, but all Jared feels is the small plastic guitar.

 

*

 

Things feel different without the security of having a job to return to after the summer. Jared isn't in dire need for money, but in the last few years he's gotten used to having something to do, getting paid for it regularly. It's different going to auditions now, knowing there's nothing to fall back on. It's not a bad feeling, throwing himself into new possible projects and not knowing exactly what he'll be working on in the future. It's a little bit like spinning around in circles, making yourself dizzy, the chance of falling not making it any less exhilarating. 

He goes to a few auditions in the next week. Some horror movies, because yeah, that's what happens when you work in the same genre for years. A couple of romantic comedies, which Jared actually thinks might be fun, even if he always thought Jensen would do a better job at them than he could. But to his surprise the part he actually finds himself wanting is a rather small role in a gritty drama set in the sixties, during the Civil Rights Movement. It's not a big budget production, but the script is good and solid. It's so different from anything he's done, and his agent is convinced that it could help Jared branch out, be a huge step towards becoming a more serious actor.

He calls Jensen the night before the audition, reads out a few lines he isn't quite sure about and listens to Jensen's suggestions. He doesn't tell anyone else about the role yet, afraid to jinx it.

As soon as the audition is over, and Jared's walking towards his car at the back of the parking lot, feeling giddy, he gets out his cell and texts Jensen.

 

*

 

Chad helps him look for a place, and if that doesn't spell disaster, nothing does. He vetoes every house Jared likes and tried to talk him into buying tacky mansions that Jared never would want to live in.

The realtor's smile gets more and more forced with each house he shows them, and Jared sometimes sees him roll his eyes when he thinks neither is looking.

"It's so…normal," Chad complains as they stand in the yard of the seventh house. The realtor is somewhere inside, talking on the phone. "You can afford something bigger, man."

"It's not about what I can afford. I want a place I actually like." Jared sighs and rolls his shoulders. He can't remember the last time he's been as tense as he's been the last few weeks. If Jensen was here, he'd talk him into giving him a massage.

"No, you need a place to impress girls with, Jay."

Jared gives him a pointed look. "I don't want to impress any girls."

"Ackles ain't gonna be impressed with this either," Chad mutters.

Jared pretends he didn't hear him. Chad's not gonna believe him if he tells him he has no desire to impress Jensen anyway. He's always been scarily good at seeing through Jared's lies. "The yard is big enough for Harley and Sadie. The house is more than big enough for me. I don't need a fucking mansion."

Chad sighs dramatically and then throws an arm around Jared's shoulder. "You really like it?" he asks, sounding serious.

Jared shrugs. "Yeah."

"You don't sound too enthusiastic," Chad presses.

"It's not the house, the house is fine. I just…" he trails off and stares at the line of trees at the end of the yard. There are a few trees big and sturdy enough for a hammock, he thinks absently. 

"Everything else?"

"Everything else," Jared agrees. "Feels different."

Chad laughs and nudges him. "Guess we grew up, Padalecki."

Jared feels something inside him twist and he forces out a laugh. "Yeah. When the fuck did that happen, Murray?"

This can't be it, a voice in his head insists. This can't be as good as life gets, because he knows it can be better. It was better just a few months ago.

 

*

 

Jared buys a house that's in a quiet neighborhood and has a big yard.

He spends the next week getting his things shipped to the house from where he had them in storage and moving in, squeezing in a couple more auditions before he flies to San Antonio to spend a week with his family before driving back with Harley and Sadie.

Four weeks in L.A., and he feels sucked dry, ready to let his mom cook for him and just lounge in their backyard. He's never liked the L.A. scene, a small part of him was actually glad to escape it when they filmed Supernatural even if a bigger part of him was always homesick.

As much as he loves acting and filming, loves his fans, he'll never be meant for Hollywood.

Megan comes home for the weekend while Jared is there, big smile and bigger hug and Jared doesn't even mind when she drags him out to go shopping with her. He feels more at home, more at peace with himself, than he has in a while.

On the last night there, his agent calls and tells him he got the role in the Civil Rights Movement movie. Jared sits on the old swing in the backyard, cell in his hand after he hangs up and stares at Harley and Sadie chasing each other around.

"Everything okay?" Megan asks him as she sits down next to him.

Jared shrugs. "I got a role I really wanted."

Megan makes a shocked noise. "Jared, that's horrible. It explains why you're here moping."

"Shut it, brat," he laughs and swats her. "It's awesome."

"Exactly." She gives him a serious look, all laughter suddenly gone. "The last couple of years, you've been telling me how working on Supernatural was getting too much. No free time, you were never home and you missed your friends."

"I loved the show," Jared interrupts.

"Yeah, but you were ready to have a life outside of it. You said that yourself and I know you meant it. You have that now." She bumps her shoulder against his and gives him a sad smile, like she knows it's not just about the show. It's about Jensen; everything always is. Nobody in his family seems to know how to talk about him anymore though, not since Jared told them about the break-up. He knows that Megan's carefully picking her words, trying to avoid mentioning Jensen, like he would shatter if she did and Jared's grateful for it. 

"Thing is," she says softly, "I can't remember the last time I saw you this unhappy."

 

*

 

Jared lies in bed that night, full from the barbeque they had, Sadie and Harley a too-warm weight against his legs. The word unhappy keeps popping into his mind every time he closes his eyes.

He's not unhappy. He has work, his family, his friends.

But he's not happy either.

 

*

 

"Jared," Jensen says when Jared picks up the phone. He hears the soft slur right away, the sure sign that Jensen is either very tired or drunk.

"Hi. Having fun?" He sits down on the couch, propping his feet onto the coffee table. Harley jumps up beside him, curling up at the other end of the couch and blinking up at Jared, tongue lolling out.

"Hmmm, tons," Jensen replies with a laugh. Definitely drunk, Jared decides and smiles to himself. "'was having a few beers with my dad."

"Your dad? Are you in Dallas?"

"Yeah, since yesterday. Shooting wrapped up."

"I didn't know," Jared says, sighing softly. "How'd everything go?"

"Good. Real good." Jensen sounds happy, pleased and Jared closes his eyes, imagines the smile on Jensen's face and something warm and familiar tugs at his heart.

"I'm glad," he replies. "I can't wait to see the movie."

"Yup, I'mma be famous. But hey, I can still hang out with you every now and again, squeeze you into my schedule."

Jared laughs, listens to Jensen's own soft chuckle on the other end of the line. "You're so generous, Ackles. Maybe you can buy me a steak when you get back to L.A."

"I could do that," Jensen agrees. "I'm coming home in a few days. Gonna let my mom fatten me up a little first before it's back to Hollywood and salads."

"Salads, right," Jared snorts.

"Can't all have the metabolism of a hummingbird, Jay."

"Can't all be lazy bastards, either," Jared replies with a smirk. If Jensen was there, he'd flex his muscles and pose and he's tempted to do it now even with Jensen miles and miles away.

Jensen laughs and mutters a low _fuck you_ under his breath. Jared just listens, the familiar sound of Jensen's voice and slow breathing making him long for Jensen.

"I miss you," he admits after a moment passes in silence. 

"Me, too," Jensen replies, low and serious.

 

*

 

"I can't come out and play right now." Jared looks down at Sadie apologetically and a rueful smile tugs at his lips when she just looks back at him with big, brown eyes. "Go out and play with Harley. He's probably digging a hole somewhere in the backyard again."

Sadie barks and wags her tail, thumping against the cabinets with dull thuds.

Jared laughs and flicks suds at her. "Go, girl, I'll join you as soon as the dishes are done, promise."

He turns back to the sink, scrubbing the pan vigorously. The soapy water swaps over every now and then, getting on his shirt and leaving puddles of water all over. Sadie watches him for a few silent moments before trotting of the room and leaving him alone.

He's putting the last pot onto rack when the bell rings. "Shit," Jared mutters and glances at the clock. Jensen is almost thirty minutes early and Jared looks like someone dragged him through grime and dirt. He dries his hands on his jeans and goes to open the door, resigned to having Jensen see him like that.

"Jay," Jensen says with wide grin that turns into a low chuckle as he takes in Jared’s state. "What happened to you?"

Jared shrugs and waves him in. "Doing the dishes. I'd give you a hug, but…" He gestures down at himself and smiles sheepishly.

Jensen closes the distance between them without hesitation and hugs Jared close. "You've gotten worse things on me," he teases.

Jared laughs, wrapping his arms around Jensen. He feels warm and strong, the way he's always felt in Jared's arms.

"You look good," he says when they pull away and looks Jensen up and down, takes in the tan and the easy smile.

"You look like you could use a change of clothes," Jensen replies with a smirk, ducking away when Jared swats at him.

"All right, all right." He holds his hands up. "I'll change. The dogs are in the backyard if you want to say hello. I'll be right back."

He doesn't wait for Jensen to reply, turns around and pulls his shirt over his head as he walks up the stairs. He changes quickly, combs his hair and returns downstairs. Jensen is outside, sitting on a deckchair with Harley and Sadie standing around him.

He looks up when Jared steps back outside and stops petting the dogs. "Back already?"

"I clean up fast," Jared replies airily, grinning widely. "Want a tour of the house?"

Jensen slaps his hands onto his thighs and stands up. "Sure."

Harley and Sadie follow them on the way through the house, begging for attention that Jensen willingly gives them. Jared smiles to himself as he watches them. He's missed this, seeing Jensen and his dogs together. It's just one of the many things he misses about Jensen.

Jensen grins widely at him, half crouched on the floor of his bedroom and rubbing Harley's belly and scratching Sadie behind the ears at the same time. "It looks really different," he finally says and crunches up his face.

"The house?" Jared sits down as well, petting Sadie who's closer to him.

"Yeah. Different than the house in Vancouver. It's, uh, less homey, I guess."

Jared shrugs and looks around his room thoughtfully. "Never really thought about it," he admits.

"Really? You just had a lot more things in Vancouver, is all," Jensen says, eyebrow raised.

"Some of the boxes are still in San Antonio. Just got the furniture here and things I really needed. I'm still in the process of moving in, I guess."

Jensen shifts, his knee brushing against Jared's, and gives him a soft, understanding smile. "I hated having to leave Dallas again; I do every time. It's always gonna be home to me."

It's not San Antonio he misses, Jared thinks. He was perfectly happy in Vancouver.

"Think you'll ever move back?" he asks instead.

"Sometimes I think I will," Jensen admits. "But not while I have this job, I guess. And I don't know what else I could do, so I don't have a choice yet."

"One day," Jared says and gives Jensen a confident smile. "We'll move back one day, I bet."

 

*

 

One thing Jared certainly hasn't missed about L.A. is traffic. He's reminded of that again when he's stuck in it after shooting wrapped up one day. Just his luck that he finished his last scene of the day just before rush hour.

He turns the air conditioner up and tugs at the hem of his shirt that is already starting to stick to his skin.

"Fucking awesome," he mutters as he peers ahead at the unmoving line of cars.

His cell phone rings, making Jared snap his head to the side at the sudden interruption. He turns the radio down before reaching for his cell and peering at the display. Megan. He flips it open.

"Hey," he greets and taps his free hand against the steering wheel.

"Hi, Jay. This a bad time? I wasn't sure if you're filming today."

"I'm done already," Jared replies and adjusted his sunglasses. "I'm on my way home right now actually. Stuck in fucking traffic."

Megan makes a sympathetic noise, and Jared's not sure if she actually means it or is just humoring him. "I just wanted to ask you how you're doing?" she asks.

"Fine. Filming's going well, I think. At least I haven't heard any complaints." He squints outside to try and see if the traffic’s picking up any time soon.

"That's good. I was just…a little worried. And you know, it's okay if you're not doing too good right now, nobody would be surprised. I know the relationship meant a lot to you and it's the first time since the break up either of you is actually dating again, so…" she trails off, sounding unsure.

Jared's mouth feels too dry suddenly, the inside of the car way too hot and it's hard to breathe. "What?" he asks, his voice cracking a little.

Megan is silent for a second, and her voice is even softer when she speaks. "You didn't know?" 

"Jensen's dating someone?" He knows she's talking about Jensen, who else could she be talking about? But a tiny part of him hopes she'll say no, not Jensen. Maybe Sandy, even if he moved on from her a long time ago.

"Yeah. Some girl from the movie he's been shooting. They've been seen together a couple of times."

Jared snorts and pinches the bridge of his nose. "So? That doesn't mean anything," he says, and god, his voice sounds hopeful even in his own ears. "You know how this whole rumor thing works, you hang out with someone once and immediately get linked."

"She mentioned him in an interview, said they've gone out a few times," Megan replies.

Oh.

He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, deliberately.

They've been over for months, and Jared knows it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. He knew this was coming one day. Jensen's damn attractive, and an awesome person. There are tons of people who want a shot with him and it's not like Jensen wants to stay single for the rest of his life. Jared shouldn't feel surprised, but all he can think is Jensen is dating someone. Someone that's not Jared.

"He didn't tell me," he finally chokes out.

"I'm sorry. Jay, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. _I'm_ okay. We've been over for a while and he's my friend. I'm happy for him, really," he lies. "Listen Meg, I think traffic is starting to ease up, I gotta go."

After he hangs up, he grips the wheel tightly and stares at the unmoving cars in front of him.

 

*

 

The first time they kissed, it wasn't magical.

They'd been barbequing, enjoying the rest of the summer in Vancouver and one of the few evenings they both had off and weren't too tired to do anything but falling into their beds.

Harley and Sadie were chasing each other around the backyard, yipping and barking excitedly and Jensen was putting steaks onto the grill.

Jared remembers all of it vividly, remembers having his arm draped over Jensen's shoulders as he watched him.

"You want to get two more beers while I handle this?" Jensen asked and the moment had been so normal, just the two of them hanging out. 

Jensen gave him a small smile, looking up at him and Jared leaned down and kissed him. He isn't quite sure what made him do it, what he'd thought in that very moment except that Jensen was freaking gorgeous and he was happy and he wanted to kiss Jensen.

They parted and Jensen smiled, sending him to get the beer before the steaks were too done and that was that.

It wasn't magical, but it felt more right than any other kiss ever before in Jared's life.

The first time they had sex on the other hand was a complete disaster. Jared was trying to figure out what to do, Jensen anxious he was rushing Jared into something he wasn't ready for as if it wasn't Jared who'd taken the first step. It was a tangle of limps, sloppy kisses and occasionally an elbow meeting solid flesh. It got worse when Jared tried to add slippery lube to the mess and Jensen started laughing, his body shaking under Jared's.

It was the moment Jared realized that he could easily spend the rest of his life with Jensen; that he wanted to.

And even now, with everything in their life different and another failed relationship under his belt, Jared still feels the same way.

 

*

 

Jared avoids looking for the interview Megan mentioned or pictures of Jensen's new girlfriend. He doesn't want to know what prompted her to bring Jensen up, or how she phrased it, because he'll only spend countless sleepless nights agonizing over it. He doesn't want to know what she looks like, if she's Jensen's type. If she's anything like Jared or his complete opposite. 

He does get tempted, but putting an actual face and name to her will only hurt worse. Instead he decides to wait until Jensen brings her up.

Jensen doesn't.

For three weeks, Jared lets it drive him crazy that Jensen, who used to be able to talk to him about anything, isn't talking about the fact that he's seeing someone. He tries to sneak it into conversation sometimes, but they hardly talk as it is and Jared's never been a very sneaky person. There are only so many subtle way of bringing up dating or relationships up in a conversation he can think off.

Jared's even less patient than sneaky.

They're at Jensen's, Jared sitting on the counter and watching Jensen make sandwiches for them.

"Want mayo on yours?" Jensen asks and smears it onto the bread before Jared has a chance to answer.

"I might have said no." Jared reaches past Jensen and picks up a slice of ham, stuffing it into his mouth before Jensen can stop him.

Jensen rolls his eyes and starts cutting a tomato into slices.

"So," Jared says, swallowing down the last of the ham. "Heard you're seeing someone."

Subtlety isn't one of Jared's strongest suits either. Jensen used to find it endearing, so Jared has stopped feeling bad about it.

Jensen freezes for a second, before glancing at Jared. "What?"

"Sarah something. Your new girlfriend. Meg told me about her."

Jensen frowns and turns his face back down, picking up slices of tomato and placing them onto the bread painstakingly. "It's nothing serious," he says with a shrug and adds the final slices of bread to the sandwiches.

"Is that why you never mentioned her?" Jared accepts the sandwich he's being handed without really looking at Jensen. He hears Jensen sigh softly.

"Jay. I just…I wasn't sure I should. It's not. I mean-"

"It's okay," Jared interrupts and shrugs.

"No, come on, you're right. I should have told you. But after everything that happened, I wasn't sure how to talk to you about it. It's. It's kind of awkward."

"A little, yeah," Jared agrees and forces himself to smile. "Tell me anyway."

He takes a bite of the sandwich and watches Jensen chewing on his lower lip nervously. "It's nothing," Jensen repeats. "We go out sometimes and it's fun. She's a nice girl, but…I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now."

"See, wasn't half bad," Jared teasing, feeling a sudden wave of relief.

"And you?"

Jared takes another bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly. "I," he starts and shrugs. "I've been busy."

Jensen gives him a sad look before smiling and nodding, like he understands. Jared knows him too well, though, he can tell it’s forced. Just like he knows Jensen can tell what Jared meant was that he isn’t ready. That he's not quite over what Jensen and he had.

 

*

 

Jared does see a picture eventually; Jensen walking next to a tall, pretty blonde. They're not touching, not holding hands or even looking at each other, and there's enough space between them that they don't look like anything more than friends. But Jared knows that when they're alone, she gets to touch Jensen, kiss him, sleep with him.

He goes out that night, drinks beers at a bar just a short drive away from his house. He doesn't purposely seek anyone out, didn't go out with the intention of taking someone home that night. But there's a petit, blonde girl wearing a short skirt and loose t-shirt. She's cute, pretty even, if you bother to really look at her. She keeps glancing at Jared, blushing when he catches her eyes.

Jared's not sure if she recognizes him or just thinks he's attractive, but he walks up to her anyway and buys her a drink.

An hour later, they leave together.

Her lips leave the faint taste of fruity lip-gloss on his and she feels even smaller than she looks under him. Her blonde hair spreads over his pillows, and her pale, soft skin almost glows in the dim light. He fucks her slow and steady, listening to her breathy moans and tries to pretend that he's exactly where he wants to be.

He can't even remember her name, but her eyes are bright green.

 

*

 

In early October, shooting wraps up.

It doesn't leave Jared with the usual satisfaction of getting a project done, of accomplishing something.

He feels oddly detached from all of it, like life keeps going on around him but he's not moving with it. He gives his all when they shoot the last scenes, smiles at everyone when they congratulate him and hugs his costars goodbye, promising to keep in touch. He's a goddamn actor after all.

It's taken him seven months, but he finally lets himself be heartbroken. It feels much worse than the actual break-up did. He had Jensen then, at his side everyday and still his best friend and it made things easier to handle. It made the break-up less real.

It's finally setting in though. They're over and Jensen has moved on while Jared can't figure out how to do the same.

He goes through the motions instead and pretends he's fine. He dodges his family and friends' concern, making up excuses about being tired from shooting and still adjusting to being back in L.A. Most people buy it.

Jeff certainly doesn't, but his big brother has always been able to see right through him and he suggests Jared should visit him and his wife for a short vacation.

His mother worries, tells him to eat and sleep, to call Jensen. At least, he thinks, he's not the only one still hanging on to the relationship. It doesn't make him feel better.

Chad plies him with alcohol and food and suggests strippers, which Jared quickly declines. They watch shitty movies instead, sprawled out on Jared's couch, and Chad doesn’t complain when Jared falls asleep on his shoulder. He wakes up on the couch the next morning, a pillow under his head and a blanket covering him, Chad in the kitchen, eating breakfast.

Jensen gives him pointed looks when they see each other, and Jared stops giving him excuses because they both know Jensen doesn't believe him anyway.

 

*

 

Jared's hands are shaking and he's biting down on the inside of his cheek so hard, he's drawing blood.

He presses his cell to his ear, the ringing too loud in his ear. Jensen picks up on the sixth ring and Jared doesn't know what to say when he does.

"Jared?" Jensen asks. "I have caller ID, I know it's you. What's up?"

"Jensen," Jared forces out. His voice is hoarse and shaky and he takes a deep breath. "I'm at an animal clinic."

"Shit," Jensen curses and Jared pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling his eyes burn with tears again. "What happened? Are Harley and Sadie okay?"

"Harley's home. Something's wrong with Sadie. I don't know what's going on. They took her in the back. She…she was playing outside and then she started being weird. She was whining and then she started having trouble breathing." Jared rushes it all out, his voice heavy with tears. "Jensen."

"Give me the address and I'll be there as fast as possible," Jensen says, soft and soothing, but there's a hint of worry in his voice. Sadie was always Jensen's girl, ever since Jensen became a part of his life all those years ago. "She's going to be fine, Jay. Sadie's a tough girl."

Jared looks up to the closed door where he knows a doctor and Sadie are. "Hurry," he pleads.

 

*

 

Jensen looks disheveled and worried, and Jared gets up from the uncomfortable waiting chair, meeting him halfway. Jensen pulls him into a hug, holding him tightly.

"Any news?" he asks when they pull away and cups Jared's cheek, his thumb rubbing over it.

Jared leans into the touch and gives Jensen a weak smile. "She's gonna be fine. The doc said she must have eaten something poisonous in the backyard, but not enough to do any last damange. They wanna keep her a couple more hours, just to be sure."

"Good," Jensen breathes out and he closes the gap between them, pulling Jared into his arms again. "Can we see her?"

Jared nodded. "I was with her for a little earlier. But she's really knocked out. I can get the doc and ask if you can see her, too, if you want to."

Jensen shakes his head. "Later. Let her rest for a minute, she probably can't use any excitement right now and you know how she gets when she sees me."

He guides Jared back to the chairs. His arm sneaks around Jared again when they sit down and Jared lets his head rest on Jensen's shoulder. "She misses you," Jared says softly and bites his lower lip as it begins trembling.

"Jay," Jensen murmurs and Jared feels a brush of lips against his temple.

"She could have died." His voice breaks when he says it and he turns his face into Jensen's neck, trying to hold his sobs in. "I swear I checked that there were no plants that are dangerous for them in yard. I…I should have been more careful."

"Shhh. This isn't your fault. And Sadie is gonna be fine," Jensen whispers and strokes his back. "It's okay, Jay, it's okay."

Jared feels a few stray tears slide down his face, falling onto Jensen's neck and Jensen tightens his hold on him, murmuring soft words into Jared's hair.

Jared sits that way until he feels his back begin to ache from the position, and when he sits up straight Jensen keeps his arm around him. A couple of times they sneak into the room Sadie is in until the doctor tells them it's safe to take her home.

She walks slowly to the car, and Jared would carry her if he didn't know it would bring her more discomfort than anything else. As it is, he has to help her jump into the back of the car.

"Gimme your keys," Jensen says, hovering behind Jared as Jared makes sure Sadie settles down. "I'm leaving my car here and getting it tomorrow."

"I can drive," Jared protests weakly, but hands over his car keys anyway.

"Humor me then," Jensen replies and takes the keys from Jared's outstretched hand.

"I'mma sit in the back with Sadie, okay?"

Jensen glances at him, looking thoughtful for a moment before smiling. "Sure," he nods, clearly not surprised, "you do that, Jay."

 

*

 

Harley is going out of his mind when they return, whining and barking and Jared lets Jensen take care of him as he makes sure Sadie finds somewhere comfortable to lie down. She chooses his bed, even if that means she has to walk up the stairs, and Jared lies down with her for a few minutes, stroking her fur, his face inches from hers.

When she's finally fallen asleep, he makes his way back downstairs. Jensen sitting at the table in the kitchen, petting Harley, when he comes in.

"I'm making frozen pizza," he says and gives Jared a small smile, looking unsure. "And I took Harley to the park down the road for a couple of minutes."

Jared feels his stomach grumble softly when he thinks about food. "Awesome. Thanks, Jensen," he says and smiles as best as he can. The skin of his cheeks feels stiff from tears, his eyes gritty. He runs a hand over his face. "Want a drink?"

"Something strong," Jensen suggests. Jared nods in agreement.

He pours both of them an inch of whiskey and they knock it back, the alcohol burning down Jared's throat and settling warmly in his stomach.

They eat the pizza standing up, and Jared feeds Harley the crusts even when Jensen scolds him for it.

Afterwards, they clean up halfheartedly and then go upstairs, Harley trotting behind them. Jared doesn't say anything when Jensen follows him into the bedroom, doesn't try to stop Jensen when he strips down to his boxers and crawls into bed with him. He thinks maybe he should, things like these only cause misunderstandings and awkwardness, but Jensen is warm and solid, turning onto his side and throwing his arm over Jared's waist. Sadie is a heavy weight at his legs, sleeping peacefully through all of it and Jared closes his eyes.

The bed dips when Harley jumps onto it, and Jared hears Jensen's soft chuckle. The room is still light, the curtains not blocking out the sun completely, but Jared already feels drowsy anyway. He settles his hand onto Jensen's arm, squeezing once and then keeping it there.

"Just sleep, Jay," Jensen whispers and Jared feels a brush of lips against the side of his face. "I got you. Always."

He falls asleep within minutes.

 

*

 

He's alone when he wakes up the next morning. He lies in bed for a few moments, listens to the occasional clanking sounds coming from downstairs before he rolls out from under the covers.

He pulls on a pair of loose sweatpants and an old, washed out shirt before trudging downstairs.

Harley meets him at the bottom of the stairs and Jared pets him for a moment before making his way into the kitchen. Jensen is standing by the oven and Sadie is lying at his feet.

"Morning," he greets and kneels down by Sadie's side. "How are you?" he murmurs and she looks at him with big eyes, thumping her tail.

"She's fine," Jensen answers. "Not running around quite yet, but apart from that she's good. I took them to the park again; I thought they better not go into the backyard for now. I called somebody already and they'll check out it later."

"Thanks." Jared stands up, and hugs Jensen from behind quickly. "Thanks for everything, man."

Jensen tilts his head back, smiles. "Anytime," he replies softly. Jared watches him mix eggs in a bowl for a moment before deciding he better be of some use as well.

He makes toasts, before pouring himself a cup of coffee and filling up Jensen's half full mug again.

"You want anything else?" he asks and takes a careful sip.

"I already ate," Jensen says. He's stirring the eggs around in the pan by now, before scooping them onto a plate.

Jared sits down at the table and sighs. "Sorry I slept so late, I didn’t mean for you to have to take care of everything.”

"It’s okay, you needed to rest," Jensen replies and smiles at him. "I don't mind."

He puts the plate onto the table and stands by Jared's chair for a moment, looking a little unsure. When Jared gives him a quizzical look, raising his eyebrows, Jensen leans down, cupping Jared's cheek in his palm and kisses him. His lips are warm and a little chapped, and he tastes like bitter coffee. Jared tilts his head up, and bites back a protest when Jensen pulls away again.

"Eat your breakfast," Jensen says with a smile. "I'll go take shower and steal some of your clothes."

Jared stays rooted to the spot for a few minutes, staring after Jensen. He chews on his lower lip thoughtfully and replays what just happened in his mind.

Jensen kissed him.

He looks at the plate of eggs Jensen made for him, hears the water being turned on in the upstairs bathroom. He fiddles with his fork and his eyes fall onto his keys, lying on the table next to his hand where Jensen must have dropped them. Among shiny, silver keys is Jensen's red plastic guitar key-chain.

Jared lets the fork fall down again and gets up.

The bathroom is hot and stuffy with steam, Jensen's clothes lying in a heap on the floor. Jared sits on the counter, facing the shower. Through the milky glass he can see Jensen, his back turned to Jared as he washes shampoo out of his hair. Jared imagines the way his skin looks with water running down, imagines the way his muscles flex as he moves.

He sighs softly and swings his legs back and forth nervously. "You kissed me," he says.

Jensen runs his hands through his hair a few more times before turning off the water. He turns, pulls the shower door open. "Hand me a towel, Jay, would you?"

Jared gives him a look before throwing the towel from the counter in Jensen's direction. He watches Jensen pet his face dry before wrapping the cloth around his waist.

"You know, every time I went through a break-up my mom would tell me I'd find the right person eventually," he says as he steps out. "Know what she said when I called her after we broke up?"

Jared shrugs.

"Things'll work out," Jensen tells him.

Jared gives him a small smile and spreads his legs when Jensen comes to stand between them. He reaches out, running a hand over wet skin.

"Is it really that easy?" he asks.

Jensen shrugs. "I love you. I've loved you for years, Jared, and I know what I feel for you isn't something I'll feel for somebody else again. It's not something that will go away. I tried dating Sarah for a while and she was a great girl and it was fun, but you're it for me, Jay. I've been okay, I’ve survived without you, but I don't want to anymore."

Jared leans in and kisses Jensen, lets their lips linger together. He rest his forehead against Jensen's when they part, feels Jensen's damp hair. "We tried once and it didn't work," he says softly, his heart beating fast. One last, weak argument he doesn't mean anyway. 

Jensen cups his cheek, his thumb running over Jared's cheekbone. "So let's try again and make it work this time," he says.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Razorlight's "Wire To Wire".


End file.
